Some
unexpected answers to those nagging health question from Dr. Buford
Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've
heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to
live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should
I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100%
of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is
beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer
and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table
of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have
a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How
can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What
are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain
= Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't
fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: What's
the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will
sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is
chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's
the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well,
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
[Disclaimer:
This is a joke. We do not know anything about health, so please
DO NOT follow any of the above suggestions]
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